Winter Wonderland 2005
Quotes Page
Winter
Wonderland, my last-ever DF Event. (Ironically enough, I was still a DF for the
following three months, the termination of that occurring on March the 17th,
2006!) And what a strange event it was.
Send me an e-mail on the double if I
have missed anything.
Amber: “Have you got the quote book?”
Pooka: “Yes, here it is. In fact, I
have 2 quote books.”
Kitty: “Quote book? What quote book?”
[Kitty holds up a picture of an angel.]
Amber: “Who’s that?”
Kitty: “Er…”
Amber: “Is it Laurie?
Kitty: “…Yes?”
Pooka: “It is now!”
[Kitty looks at Amber and leans over.]
Kitty: “Amber, do you want to…?”
[Amber gets out her camera phone to take a picture.]
Kitty: “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
Pooka: *being filmed* “What, are
we filming now?”
Amber: “Oh, I hate it when people do
that, because…” *pause* “... it’s crap!”
Kitty: “My God, it fits the song!”
Amber: “That’s not a slideshow, that’s
bollocks!”
Kitty: “Do you ever get when you’re not
hungry, but you really want to eat?”
Pooka: “Yeah, that’s called greed.”
Amber: “I’m so happy I managed to bring
my pillow, and a blanket, and a sleeping bag.”
[Pooka gets his pen.]
Amber: “You’re not writing that down,
are you?”
Pooka: “I wasn’t going to, but I am
now!”
[Listening to music.]
Amber: “This sounds like something.”
Pooka: “I’d hope it would!”
Kitty: “You know that feeling you get
in your tummy?”
Amber: “What, like you’re going to
puke?”
Kitty: “No, like a mixture of nerves
and excitement, and a little bit scared.”
Amber: “Why scared? Because you think
I’m going to murder you in your sleep?”
Kitty: “No, because I think you’ll puke
in my face!”
Amber: “Bum!”
Kitty: “What?”
Amber: “I forgot to ask my mummy to record
Home and Away!”
Amber: “Where’s my table?”
Kitty: “Up your bum.”
Amber: “Oh yeah.”
Kitty: “It’s an easy mistake to make.”
Verity: “I want to get really drunk
tonight, but I don’t want anything to drink.”
Hannah: *about to cycle off*
“Okay!... Which way do I go?”
[discussing Pooka’s ripped
trousers]
Evan: “This is all part of a plan,
isn’t it? You were thinking, if you wore those
trousers at Winder Wonderland, and if you ripped them, Ros
would have to touch you to sew them up!”
Pooka: “I hadn’t considered that.”
Evan: “And then you’ll rip them again!
And this time it’ll be the crotch!”
Hannah: “Evan, stop bullying me!”
Kitty: “So, Evan is 20, and Pooka is
20… are you two friends?”
Hannah: “He likes your boobs, Evan.”
Evan: “Yes, I’ve been working on them
over Christmas.”
Evan: “Physics jam! They’re having a
physics jam in
Pooka: “Hannah! Have you lost the game
recently?”
Hannah: *…long pause…* “I love
Kitty!”
Pooka: “Hannah’s all there on her own.”
(MS Word suggested I revise the above quote due to
‘reflexive pronoun use’.)
[Pooka finishes his drink.]
Ros:
“You didn’t want to finish that.”
Pooka: “Why?”
Ros:
“Because I was going to steal some.”
Pooka: “Sorry.”
Ros:
“Oh, it’s all right. I’ll steal Simon’s.”
Ros:
“Where are you sleeping?”
Pooka: “In a room, in a bed.”
Ros:
“Wow! What, right now?”
Pooka: “Yes, this is just a robot of
me, while the real me sleeps.”
Ros:
“It’s quite a good copy.”
Pooka: “Yes. All my sarcasm is
programmed in.”
Ros: “
Pooka: “And? So does Channel 4…
apparently.”
Pooka: “Hannah, say something
devastatingly funny!”
[Silence.]
Laura E: “I think that’s the first time
she’s ever shut up, actually.”
Pooka: “What’s the queue for, Evan?”
Evan: “Um… oral sex?”
Sophie: “This ‘barn’ better be a room,
rather than – like – a barn, or something.”
Owen: “The warden lives on site, and
he will be walking around. So if you’re doing something you know you
shouldn’t, be subtle.”
Kit: “Pooka, did you know that –
apart from Pepe – you’re the only one with one name
here? You’re like Madonna!”
Evan: “I’m not drunk, not even a
little bit.”
Evan: “Five gold rings, four gold
rings, three gold rings, two gold rings, and a go-o-o-o-o-old ring!”
ROS IS MEAN (not really) (she is lovely)
Hannah: “All I want for Christmas…”
Ed: “Is a poo!”
Laurie Brown: “That doesn’t
make sense!”
Kitty: “Neither do you!”
Hannah: “Laurie, you’re my boyfriend and
I haven’t spoken to you for months!”
Sophie: “Jeff, have you dyed your hair
blonde?”
Jeff: “It’s
Kitty: “I feel naked.”
Annie: “Why?”
Kitty: “Because I’m not wearing any
clothes.”
Laurie Brown: “I rolled a rolly!”
Evan: “I’m going to have to drink some
coffee now so I don’t pass out!”
Hannah: “Don’t touch me!... Rape!... Jessie, mediate,
mediate. He’s touching me and I don’t appreciate it.”
Jessie: “I can’t mediate with only one
mediator ‘cause this happens!”
Pepe:
“Let me bite you. I won’t bite hard.”
Pepe:
“Kit, should I bite Jessie?”
Kit: “Erm…”
Jessie: “No, bite Kit…”
[She accidentally hits Kit in the stomach.]
Kit: “Oh, definitely bite her now!”
Jessie: “Does that hurt?”
Pooka: “Does what hurt?”
[Jessie slaps Pooka round the face.]
Pooka: “Well, thanks for
demonstrating!”
Jessie: “Brightlingsea’s
lost its hair recently.”
Pooka: “Evan is a place on earth.”
Evan: “What?”
Pooka: “What happens if you poke Evan?”
Jessie: “He turns more ginger!”
Hannah: “Edward just punched me in the
face!”
Evan: “Hooray!”
Jessie: “You were at thingywotsit,
weren’t you?”
Ros:
“It’s too big!”
Pepe: “I
haven’t slept for 3 months.”
Maddie:
“Very funny. I’m sorry, that was sarcasm.”
Rohan:
“We’re discussing open-source software, but we’re trying not to make it too
geeky.”
[Hertha hugs Rohan.]
Rohan:
“It’s a giant!”
Pooka: “Oh yeah, it’s a giant.”
Rohan: (lewdly)
“That’s what I said!”
Scots Emily: “Life is
lovely if there is a Judith.”
Pooka: “You used my pen for drugs?”
Nick: “Yes.”
Pooka: “Why?”
Pooka: “Yes, how?”
Nick: “I used your pen… TO INJECT HEROIN!”
Winnie: “Lucie’s wearing nothing!”
Verity: “She got it for Christmas!”
[Pooka and Carly, hugwalking, collide with Anna
Sutherland.]
Anna S: “Ooh! I’ll leave you two to it!”
Rohan:
“What’s that sound? It sounds like an asthmatic having very slow sex.”
[Carly and Aphra walk off.]
Pooka: “Well, have fun. Don’t fall down
the stairs or anything.”
*tumble*
*crash*
Pooka: “How many times do I have to
say, we’re not having sex, we’re just having a free exchange of ideas.”
Hannah: “Last time I went to the toilet
was at
Evan: “That piano has hardly been
vacant for one minute.”
Hannah: “Hertha, I’m a good girl!”
Pooka: “We’re going to run out of bread
by tomorrow morning, and all because of Carly and Aphra!”
Hertha: “Did I hear you saying you
wanted to go to bed?”
Kat: “Yes, but my own bed.”
Carpe Cabasa. Sieze the bed.
Kat: “We have Hertha’s
nipples!”
[Ed drinks one and three-quarters of a pint of tea.]
Pooka: “You’re not going to get any
sleep tonight, y’know? You’re just gonna stay awake,
shuddering, for – like… ever.”
Hazel M: “I want a dressing gown.”
Pooka: “We could do a workshop where we
make our own.”
Owen: “[Your secret friend] is the
person you need to make presents for, and generally pleasure them.”
Pooka: *tapping his badge twice*
“REBOOT!”
[discussing old folks’ homes]
Jack: “No need for food, wait for one
to die, and then the rest of them can eat the old one!”
Pooka: “Let’s play Murder In The Dark!”
Anna: “How do you play that?”
Pooka: “Well, somebody murders people,
right… and… it’s in the dark.”
Sophie: “I think you’ve gone deaf.”
Pat: “What?”
Ed: “Yeah, primitivists
are lovely, until they start fighting!”
Ed: “This girl I know said, like,
‘everything I see is inside my head, right? So how do I know it’s real at all?’
and her mum just fuckin’ whacked her around the head
and yelled, ‘never say that again’!”
Rohan:
“Bit of materialism in action there!”
Rohan:
“What’s happening?”
Pat: “You are.”
Hannah: “Who is the walk?”
Sam Merton: “Sam McGayver is a pillar of society that all discerning
proletarians should aspire to be!”
Pooka: “Quick, Jessie! Say something
hilarious!”
Jessie: “Uh?...
uh… aaaah!”
[watching Deal or No Deal]
Ed: “Is that Noel fucking Edwards?”
[watching Hard Spell]
Sam Merton: “Don’t you
know how to spell anything?”
Joe: “A-N-Y…”
[watching Hollyoaks]
Hannah: “HOLLYOAKS!!” …*claps*…
“I really don’t have a life at home…”
Pooka: “You don’t have a life here,
either.”
Ed: “I’d forgotten you two were
fucked.”
[Carly and Aphra laugh drunkenly.]
Verity: “Oh, like they don’t look fucked
at all.”
Pooka: “Pepe-san, あなたは図書館じゃありません!”
(Can’t read Japanese? I'll explain later!)
Laurie Brown: *with relish* “What are you dressing up as
tonight? I’m dressing up AS A CRAB!”
Dave: “Why have you got four bollocks?”
Owen: “Have you not? I’m twice the man you are!”
[discussing
Match Of The Day]
Pooka: “Actually, because it’s Christmas, I hear they are
doing a Special Jesus Version: Match Of The Deity.”
SIZE ISN’T
EVERYTHING: Living With Anarchic Pygmies…
Aidan: “Vegan cream? I don’t know the
meaning of the phrase!”
Pooka: “It’s cream that comes from a
vegan.”
Ed: “If anyone wants to say
something, put up your hand and I won’t ignore you.”
Rohan: “Erm…”
Ed: *ignoring him* “Also, if
you have a point to make…”
Pooka: “Where the fucking fuck’s my
fucking quotebook?”
Hannah: “I need to stop drinking cider.
It’s bad for me.”
[a few seconds later]
Hannah: “Has Evan given my bra back?”
Pooka: “Where have you guys been?”
Nick: “Where indeed?”
Nick: “What storage is your iPod?”
*boom-boom, clash*
Ellie F: “I thought I could easily knock
out Laurie Brown ‘cause he’s so blatantly a poof.”
Jessie: *constantly knocking down
‘Guess Who’ tiles* “I’m nearly there… I’m nearly
there… I’m nearly there…” (&c.)
[
Pooka: “
[He offers Pooka a bite.]
Pooka: “No thanks, I don’t like mince
pies… hey, hasn’t that got butter in it?”
Pooka: “Yes it has.”
Hannah: “You’ve drunk too many beers
tonight.”
Pooka: “Well, that’s his muse.”
Dom: “Muse? I can play Muse!...”
Hannah: “That’s shit!”
Lucie: “It
isn’t shit. It’s well good.”
Hannah: “Lucie
hasn’t mastered sarcasm yet.”
George: “Everyone likes a bit of arse.”
[Secretly, Kat sticks out her arse
behind George’s back.]
George: “Everyone likes a bit of arse…
don’t you, Pooka?”
Pooka: (looking at Kat’s) “I
certainly do.”
(MS Word suggested I change the second line to ‘a Kat stick out her arse behind George are’!)
Joe: “Your mum’s so dumb that she
stared at orange juice for half an hour ‘cause it said concentrate.”
Joe: “Shakespeare walks into a pub.
The landlord says, ‘Get out! You’re barred!’.”
Jeff: “A man walks into a bar, and
says to the barmaid, ‘Can I have a double entendre?’, so she gives him one.”
[3 minutes after the above joke, it is still being
explained to Lucie.]
Pooka: “You can hear how the cogs are
slowly beginning to grind into action…”
Joe: *pointing at the people who
are asleep* “Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone…”
Pooka: *pointing at Anna*
“Donne.”
[playing ‘Guess Who?’]
Hertha: “Is it Hannah?”
Ruth: “Yes.”
Hannah: “YAAAAAAAY! I WON!!”
Pooka: “I didn’t know you kissed Adam Cassels.”
Hannah: “I only snogged him because he tasted of raspberry ripple ice
cream.”
Pooka: “Yeah, that’s what they all
say.”
Pooka: “Evan, you’re digging yourself
deeper and deeper into the hole.”
Evan: “Yes, but at the bottom of the
hole is Lucie!”
Evan: “Carly,
I will fight you in the Circle of Death tomorrow.”
Ed: “…and that’s how you contact me.
Now let’s get to Circle or Anna Donne will beat us.”
Ed: “Hannah, did you take [that bra]
off without removing your shirt?”
Hannah: “Evan was wearing it.”
Ed: “So you did take it off without
removing your shirt!”
Owen: “Did everyone enjoy last night?”
[general murmur]
Owen: “Louder.”
Hannah: “Whoooooooooooh!”
Owen: “Now that’s just annoying.”
[long pause]
Ed: “Is this going anywhere?”
Owen: “…Yes. It’s going somewhere but
very slowly. Like National Rail.”
Joe Cassidy: “I think I’m
going to start wearing a bra to clubs!”
Kitty: “Amber pissed on a tractor!”
Evan: “Amber! Did you piss on a
tractor?”
[Amber nods.]
Evan: “All right!!”
Pooka: “[Jessie]’s really easy to
overpower when she’s tied up.”
Ed: “Roll Jessie around! Roll Jessie
around! Roll Jessie around! Roll Jessie around!”
Hannah: (to Ed) “I don’t want BOY
DISEASE!”
Rohan:
“Get off him, then.”
[A girl on ‘Neighbours’ falls
over.]
Ed: “She’s down! Get her!”
FEEDING ON
INVERTEBRATE FAECES
Hazel: “First Aider isn’t the same as
Sober Person, is it?”
Anna: “No, we haven’t even done Sober
Person. Oops…”
Hazel: “My tea!”
Jessie: “Your tea!”
Hazel: “Our tea!”
Jessie: “More tea!”
Pooka: “Morti?”
Jessie: “Morti!”
Evan: “You get a pubic wig made of
Pooka’s head hair!”
Pooka: “Yeah, that’s why I got most of
if cut off: to make the wig.”
Jessie: “My mind hurts.”
Pooka: “Your mind can’t hurt. It has no
nerve endings.”
Evan: “Vegan is an anagram of cottage
cheese.”
Evan: “You’re so damn hot.”
Pooka: “Who’s so damn hot?”
Hannah: “Me.”
Evan: “[Aphra]
and Carly had this ESP thing going on.”
Pooka: “They had something going on,
but I don’t think it was ESP!”
Anna: “I want a walrus! Give me a
walrus!”
Evan: “You want my heart? I’m all
heart!”
Jessie: “Water and aid… Water and aid…
Water and aid… Water and aid… Water and aid… Water and aid… Water and aid…”
Pooka: “Wateraid?
Is that like lemonade, only it tastes of water?”
Evan: “Welcome to the 17th
Annual Winter Wonderland Breadbox Quiz…”
Hannah: “They were both losers. No one
won. They’re both ginger.”
Evan: “We both won. It was a ginger
victory.”
Ed: “It’s like putting semen in your
ears instead of reading.”
Hywel:
“Just press the channel up button and the TV will turn on.”
Rohan:
“But then it’ll be on the wrong channel!”
Hannah: “I never, ever wash potatoes.”
Owen: “When did you find out what the
surprise was?”
Aidan: “Are you racist?”
Aidan: “Well I am!”
Jeff: “The best way to get out of a
lie is to lie some more.”
Various: “We can’t miss the ginger hug.”
Ros: “Does
this not really annoy you, Evan?”
Pooka: “I’m not Evan.”
Ros:
“Yes you are.”
Jessie: “You big ginger Mackem!”
Pooka: “Who are you talking to,
Lawrence or Aidan?”
Hannah: “Edward! George! Stop. Now give
each other a hug…”
[Carly is stoned.]
Pooka: “What’d you do, smoke five spliffs at once or something?”
Carly:
*uncontrollable giggling*
Pooka: “Hmmm?”
Carly:
*uncontrollable giggling* “Four.”
Pooka: “Why?”
Carly:
*uncontrollable giggling*
*silence*
Pooka: “Why?”
Carly:
“It was good fun!” *uncontrollable giggling*
[Evan goes into fits of ecstasy as he gets a massage.]
Pooka: “You’re experienced at that, are
you, Lloyd?”
Lloyd: “Oh yes, I am experienced at all
kinds of massage.”
Lucie: “I
wanted to give you one [a massage], because I’m in the mood [to give a
massage]. I’m not often in the mood.”
Pooka: “Hah!”
Evan: “Is that my camera?”
Hazel: “You wish.”
Lucie:
“You’ve got a hole in your trousers, I can see your
skin.”
Pooka: “My God, you’re quick, Lucie!”
Lucie:
“Well, I hadn’t noticed it, up until now.”
Pooka: “The last horse finally crosses
the finish line, eh?”
Evan: “Pooka, do you know where the
broom cupboard is?”
Pooka: “Yeah, it’s that studio at
Television Centre where they film CBBC.”
[reading milk for some
reason]
Laurie Brown: “I love
pasteurised, standardised… homogenicide?”
NO ENTRY
(unless you are being helpful)
DO YOUR OWN
WASHING UP (or you may be beaten)
Laurie Brown: “Clean, now!
We’ve got the Rocky theme tune! This should inspire people!”
Jessie: “Charlie shouldn’t mop up with
my cat.”
Aidan: “Charlie shouldn’t knock up your
cat?”
[Responding to the ‘Rocky’
theme.]
Jeff: “Turn it off! Please!”
Pooka: “Does it not inspire you?”
Jeff: “No!”
Owen: “Water and Health, you get the
toilets.”
Hazel: “No we don’t.”
Pooka: “It’s a pencil.”
Ed: “I look like Uncle Duke out of
Doonesbury!”
Ed: “What are you by profession?”
Jessie: “I’m a wanker!”
Pooka: “How do you explain Puff’s
gigantic tail?”
Ed: “What’s the minority?”
Pooka: “Your
IQ!”
Hazel: “I drank too much tea.”
Pooka: “There’s no such thing as too
much tea.”
Ed: *seeing Cat drink Alpro* “Gimme some of that soya shit, woman!”
Anna: “Any lost property that is not
collected will be taken away!” (about 491827983274187
times)
Laurie Brown: “It’s a
fucking vehicle. They’re all the same. Four fucking vehicles,
engineeriffic.”
Jessie: “Edward! Why are you here?”
Ed: “Because our train’s a spastic!”
Kit: “Something smells like straw!”
Hertha & Kat: *singing*
“Get out that tin-op’-ner, swe-e-eet-corn, swe-e-eet-corn…”
Ed: “I can screw anything, Lucie…”
Ed: “Evan, I’ve eaten your savoury
eggs and drunk your Irn-Bru. I wish I had something
to offer you in return, apart from a slap.” *slap*
[Hannah’s bike falls on the back of Pooka’s legs.]
Pooka: “That was the most painful experience
of my life.”
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