or
The Wit and Wisdom of Rosalie Housman
Alas, Midlands
Forum just wasn’t long enough, but at least it was cheap. Send me an e-mail on the double if I’ve
missed anything. To see more of Rosalie’s questionable psyche, there’s some
stuff here.
Oh, also…
there was mention of something called Project X at Forum. I’d like to point out
that Project X will never mean anything more to me than an old shoot-‘em-up by Team17.
Rosalie: “Oh no, I just...”
Pooka: “What did you say?”
Rosalie: “I just said, ‘wait, it’s too
early for my breasts.’”
Nick: “She did actually say that.”
Pooka: “I don’t just want to be just a
quotes guy; I want to be, like, a red-hot lover or something else, too.”
Nick: “I read The Diceman again
recently.”
Rosalie: “Did it make you cum?”
Nick: “No.”
Rosalie: “Did it make you horny?”
Nick: “No.”
Rosalie: “It made me horny.”
Kit: “Sounds like a good book.”
Rosalie: “Isn’t that the Woodcraft motto? It’s not that nice when we
bought all of them for 3 quid?”
Jessie 2: “Laura, pick that up for me.”
Laura: “I am not your slave!”
Jessie 2: “Yes you are.”
Jessie: “Prostituting is not OK.”
Pooka: “My mate’s got the scariest
laugh ever. He laughs from his chest and it’s really scary.”
Jessie: “I’ve got a bruise.”
Anna: “Jessie… your face.”
Jessie: “Your face, Anna!”
Rosalie: “No, I have not been doing rape.
I have been trying to restrain myself.”
[discussing how Jessie got tendonitis]
Jessie: “Oh yeah, wanking. I didn’t do
it by wanking. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny.”
Lucie: “My sister is a good girl and
only holds hands with boys and that’s it.”
Jessie: “Oh yeah, and my sister is a
virgin.”
Jimmy: “It’s not a big bag. It’s a
rucksack, full of dreams.”
Jessie: “You’re not very nice, Jimmy. I
don’t like you.”
Anna: “I’ve lost my willy. It’s got
Dracula on it. It’s special.”
Owen: “You’re always looking for willy, aren’t you?”
Anna: “I’ve lost my willy! I’m upset,
and Rosie hasn’t raped me yet, I’m quite disappointed.”
Rosalie: “I didn’t steal it. I borrowed
it… I just didn’t give it back afterwards.”
Rosalie: (after biting Pooka, hard)
“Does it still hurt?”
Pooka: “Yes.”
Rosalie: “A lot?”
Pooka: “Yes.”
Rosalie: “Maybe if I slap it…”
Anna: “Let’s take Jessie’s bra off!
LET’S TAKE JESSIE’S BRA OFF!”
Laura: “…he’s not in Woodcraft any
more. He chose karate.”
[Jeff and Anna kiss.]
Jimmy: “It’s like a sex show. Could you
give it a rest?”
Laura: “Or at least get a room.”
485
Registered DFs
Hertha: “It’s such a good idea to be gay
when you look like that.”
Hannah: “Lucie’s gone off, probably to
have sex, and she’s not got people to clean up.”
Pooka: “…You wanna leave the ‘probably’
out of that sentence?”
Owen: “Anna, [would you still love
Jeff] f his penis got even smaller than it already is?”
Pooka: “She could use it as a pin!”
[Lucie and Dannie re-appear]
Hannah: (singing) “They were
holding ha-ands! They were holding ha-ands!...”
Hannah: “Aah! Aah! Ow, Jimmy, ow, Jimmy,
ow, Jimmy, ow!”
Pooka: “I’m still alive.”
Hannah: “Are you?”
Pooka: “Well, I’m not a zombie or
something.”
Hannah: “Who case about socialism? I
wanna be a princess.”
Anna: “Richard ate my willy!”
Pooka: “Richard ate your willy?”
Anna: “Richard ate my willy.”
Pooka: “You obviously want me to write
that down.”
Owen: “They, literally, had anal sex
with us!”
Jimmy: “Pete is a blight on the whole
of Woodcraft.”
Jeff: “You look like Kate Winslet in Titanic.”
Pooka: “I’m not naked. Yet.”
Sam: “Do you want me to teach you
Ju-Jitsu?”
Laura: “Yeah, that would be great!”
Sam: “Cool. Well, I’ll have to learn
it first, of course…”
[Topless Jimmy.]
Rosalie: “You look like a rugged beast of
the wilderness!”
Rosalie: “I think I’m now rather drunk.”
Pooka: “Says the girl who also said she
wouldn’t drink this evening.”
Rosalie: (singing) “I’ve never
played the game…”
Pooka: “I’ve lost the game.”
Rosalie: “I fucking hate you.”
Pooka: “The liquid produced by a penis
in a semi-state of arousal still contains spermatozoa.”
Adam: “That was just an excuse to say
spermatozoa.”
Pooka: “Yes.”
Adam: “The singular is better.”
Pooka: “What’s that?”
Adam: “Spermatozoon!”
Rosalie: “I don’t want to get married,
but I like the idea of having a wedding. They sound fun.”
Adam: “Were you jerking Pooka about
again?”
Rosalie: “I just can’t help jerking
people.”
Rosalie: “I’ll just marry Charlie. He
makes loads of money out of drug dealing, being a published writer and being a
chef.”
Pooka: “He gave up being a dealer, he
never got anything published and his cooking is crap!”
Rosalie: “It’ll be all right. He lives in
Hexham, he must be rich.”
Rosalie: “I find sex so amusing!”
Rosalie: “NICK! Richard has seen your
sister’s pussy!”
Lucie: “I’m in a position of power
here!”
Rosalie: “Position is right! Position…
your sister’s had sex with PJ!”
[is attacked]
Adam: “Rosie, I suggest that for your
own protection you shut up now.”
Adam: “Whose sister’s quite normal?”
Nick: “Mine, apparently.”
Rosalie: “Apart from all the sex and
all.”
Rosalie: “You know, if I had a boyfriend,
it wouldn’t be this bad…”
Adam: “What, you having sex with
Luci?”
Hannah: “People call it Woodcraft Time,
people call it Indian Time, people call it Mottram Time, most people just call
it fucking lazy.”
Rosalie: “I’m insatiable!”
Rosalie: “Hey, Kit, you look a bit like
Pocahontas.”
Rosalie: “Are you talking about
syphilis?”
Adam: “Yes.”
Jessie: “Hey, look, this is my Woodcraft
book of… (Ooh! Spunk!) …organised things.”
Vegetarians
are eligible to take morphine
Adam: “I hate making a facetious
comment like this, but you are, kind of, selling us as the DF Committee
roadshow here.”
Anna: “DF Committee. Coming soon, to a
town near you.”
Owen: (after Alexx’s report)
“As far as Rainbow Net goes, me and Jimmy helped Alexx explore his
own sexuality…”
Jessie: “Robin Cook came up to us and
said we were doing a great job and… oh, is he dead?”
(later)
Jessie: “Robin Cook came up to us and
said we were doing a great job and he’d have a word with Margaret Hodge. Not
sure if he did.”
Owen: “Jessie, do you know about Mo
Mowlam as well?”
Jessie: “You’re joking…”
[Discussing V-camp.]
Owen: “Jessie, as a Venturer at the time,
what did you think of the programme and the workshops?”
Jessie 2: “I… didn’t go to any of the
workshops, so..”
Sam: “I thoroughly agree. Well, I
don’t actually.”
Owen: “…and she said, ‘can I come?’.”
[Lucie laughs.]
Owen: “Oh, come on.”
Jeff: “We should have an irrelevance
bell, which you ring when something’s irrelevant. Three dings and you’re out!”
Rosalie: “Pooka, what’s the address for
Ceefax porn?”
Pooka: “Page 632, green, green, green,
green, green, red. I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work.”
[playing Quantum Go Fish]
Anna: “This is too complicated for me.
I’m going to have sex with Lucie instead.”
Dan: “Right, so the next item on the
agenda is… oh fuck.”
Jimmy: “Promote gender equality and
empower women…”
Owen: “What?!”
Dan: “I don’t know if you lot have
been watching the news recently. I know Jessie Fleming hasn’t.”
Dan: “Lucie? You still with us? Is
there something interesting out of the window, Lucie?...”
Jimmy: “You’re not a teacher yet!”
Adam: “Want to read it out, Dan?”
Dan: (reading) “I
do people in their ears and noses. Signed, Owen Polley.”
Owen: “What?!”
Dan: “Look, that’s your signature.”
Owen: “When did I sign that?”
Dan: “Last night, when you were
pissed.”
Rosalie: “I don’t want it, I just don’t
want you to have it!”
Rosalie: (to Adam)
“Oh, that’s filthy. You’re filthy. You’re the filthiest person in Woodcraft.”
???? LUNCH
????
Rosalie: “I lost the game.”
Adam: “Were you thinking about sex?”
Rosalie: “No, about you.”
Pooka: “Same thing.”
Rosalie: “Jessie’s like my sister. Or my
dad.”
Lucie: “Yeah, Jessie’s like my sister,
too.”
Adam: “Yeah, it’s funny, that.”
Lucie: “I didn’t know about Mo Mowlam,
but I knew about… whatsisname.”
Jessie: “I’m going to have a look at
where I was last week.”
Adam: “I’m going to have a look at
where you were 10 seconds ago.”
Pooka: “I’m going to have a look at
your breasts.”
[Everyone is taking their first bite of Elle’s Krispy
Kreme doughnuts.]
Pooka: “This is positively orgasmic!”
[Pooka regales the story of his cousin, Mel, who
didn’t realise she was pregnant.]
Jeff: “Hold on… so didn’t she wonder
why she hadn’t had a period for nine months?”
Pooka: *pause* “…Good point.”
Rosalie: “Do the Mafia actually
tactically kill for real-life reasons?”
Hannah: “I hate you, Pooka, and I’m
never trusting you again!”
Lucie: “I’ve seen two penises today.
Well, one and a half.”
Jeff: “Who was the half?”
Lucie: “Dan Ellis!”
Rosalie: “You look like you’ve been
having sex!...”
Anna S: “Me and Patrick are both
virgins, okay?”
[Dan finds some wine.]
Dan: “Whose wine is this?”
Elle: “Whose wine is what?”
Pooka: “Whose wine is it, anyway?”
Rosalie: “It’s funny when people have
hangovers. Except when it’s me.”
[in response to Jessie’s bad handwriting]
Dan: “That’s definitely where you’re
going to succeed as a doctor.”
Elle: “Do they teach you to write
silly?”
OWEN = NOT THE
REAL (SLIM) SHADY!
Sam: “I’m… a tad concerned.” *silence*
Sam: “The chair and I should sit
together at Althing, with the motion behind us…”
Rosalie: “So basically what you’re saying
is, you want to sit next to Dan Ellis…”
Elle: “At Althing, committee can be
quite dominating, and that can enhance the… the dominatrix effect.”
Jimmy: “Sam and I will be going down as
early as we can.”
Jeff: “I’m going to these debriefings
for Worker’s Beer where I will be fully debriefed.”
Adam: “Here’s my action plan. It’s got
adverbs in it.”
Jessie: “What are they?”
Adam: “Oh yes, er, some… some things
will be made sticky.”
Hannah: “Everyone go round and tell Adam
a venue. And if you can’t think of one, you have to drink!”
Elle: “There’s a cushion room, and a
massage room…”
Dan: “We are so having Old/New
there!”
Joe: “I don’t like custard.”
Rosalie: “Why? Did you have a traumatic
custard experience when you were younger?”
Joe: “Yes. I went to school.”
Jeff: “Rosie, you’ve turned this youth
hostel into a theatre of lies.”
[Jeff and Anna kissing.]
Anna S: “Get a tent!”
Hairy Fuck,
Naked Fuck, Flem Fuck, Old Fuck, Slow Fuck, Pea Fuck, Beaker Fuck, Thumb Fuck,
Wrist Fuck, Toothless Fuck, G33k Fu(k, Duck Fuck
Rosalie: (to Joe) “The only
problem with you is, you always disappear!”
and the ultimate truth…
Rosalie: “This quote book is almost
entirely made up of quotes from me!”
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