DF Kamp
2K5 – ACK!
Quotes Page
ACK!, 2005’s answer to the
concept of DF Kamp. Alas, I was only there for three
days, but thanks to Adam, Lawrence, and Rosalie, along with all of you, for
keeping the quotes going, so there are more quotes than last year’s by a long
shot!
Hazel: “You really sound like Bodger.”
Evan: “Who?”
Hazel: “You know, the guy from Bodger & Badger.”
Evan: “Oh, I remember that. Is he the badger, or the other
one?”
Aidan: “Have you seen my spanner?”
Pooka: “No. Unless that’s a euphemism, in
which case, also no.”
Rosalie: “I’ve lost my shoes!”
Pooka: “I’ve lost the game!”
Rosalie: “Insane in the membrane…”
Fraser: “You can’t be insane in the membrane. That’s just
the bit surrounding the cell. You CAN go insane in the nucleus, perhaps…”
[Early
Morning.]
Amber: “Bon soir!”
Pooka: “Bon soir? Isn’t that
‘good evening’?”
Amber: “I… don’t know!”
Laurie B: “What time’s the morning circle? Mid-day?”
Laurie B: “Too harsh for me!”
Laurie G: “What is?”
Laurie B: “Train tickets.”
Jack 2: “I’ve been watching bid-up.tv
for the last two days. That’s how boring my life has got!”
Kat: “People have been talking right by the tents and I
don’t know how you’re going to rectify this.”
Aidan: “We’ll provide everyone with a whiteboard to write
on…”
Martin: “So, we are, like, right next to your house?”
Nick: “In a way, no.”
Evan: “You shouldn’t wear knickers in the bath!”
Martin: “Especially when you only have three pairs!”
Evan: “It’s not rape! It’s just surprise sex!”
Evan: “Does anyone wanna play
the game…”
Rosalie: “Ah, fuck!”
Jessie: “Would you like some spunk?”
Jessie & Edward: “You!”
Clans: The
Incredibles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The
Avengers, X-Men, Justice League, Charlie’s Angels, Power Rangers
Jessie: “No, this is my last box of spunk!”
Adam: “I’m really scared now.”
Edward: “It’s hard to pitch a tent when you’re a bit
stoned.”
Several People: “I’m not a bit stoned.”
Edward: “Oh. Well, I’m a bit stoned, and I just assumed
everyone else was.”
Charlie: “I’m not having anything non-vegan.”
Lucie:
“Charlie!! What did you eat, like, half an hour ago?”
Rosalie: “Rape! Rape o’clock!!”
Rosalie: “Is there anyone called Mickey or Ricky on this
camp?”
Nick: “I’m called Nicky.”
Rosalie: [singing] “Oh Nicky, you’re so sad, you’re so
sad, you blow your dad, hey Nicky, hey Nicky…”
[Arguing.]
Rosalie: “…But Charlie, I let you rub lotion on my breasts!”
Charlie: “But you didn’t help me cater for 100 people for 5
days!”
Rosalie: “Fuck you! You broke my knickers!”
Jack 2: “Blair Witch Porn Film! Let’s think of a name for
it!”
Edward: “The Hairy Bitch Project!”
Charlie: (to Rosalie) “You will always have been my
first bath…”
Rosalie: “When do they start selling alcohol? It’s eleven,
isn’t it?”
Charlie: “I’m sure you can break in!”
Rosalie: “Tequila isn’t a stimulant.”
Charlie: “Is when you mix loads of speed with it.”
Charlie: “This is the worst KPing
I’ve seen since
Adam: “Certain things are illegal by law, like burglary…”
[points at Charlie] “…or rape!” [points at Rosalie]
Rosalie: “Dill, if you really loved me, you’d put your big
fat sausage in my mouth.”
[Bus.]
Rosalie: “I just lost the game.”
Entire Bus: “Aargh!!”
[driver looks scared]
Jill: “It’s huge!”
Adam: “What’s huge?”
Pooka: “My pe... that moth.”
Kat: “We’re going to do a voice-level thing. Everyone who
is still hungry, say aaaah.”
Everyone: “AAAAH!”
Scots Adam: “What she just said was, everyone who loves Adam,
say aaaah.”
Pat: “If we’re going to have Secret Friends, can we have
Secret Enemies?”
MAKE RAPE HISTORY
Adam: “You can’t win the game. If you think you’ve won the
game, you’re just in denial.”
Hazel: “…her nipple was going to fall off and they stuck
sterile leeches on her breast.”
Adam: “How do you sterilise a leech?”
Pooka: “You dip it in TCP!”
Kat: “Is it still
Adam: “Well, it was
Kat: “Well… oh, okay.”
Martin: “I feel like I’m dying of sugar.”
Adam: “That’s because you’re eating Sugar Puffs with
custard.”
Fraser: “Want any sugar on that?”
Martin: “…No.”
Jack 2: “Does anyone else want to go shopping for their
secret friend?”
Adam: “My secret friend’s already on the camp site; I
don’t need to buy one.”
Amber: “Black pepper is the dude of everything.”
[following ‘secret path’]
Joe: “Where’s Charlie?”
Jessie: “Why?”
Nick: “Did he take the joints with him?”
Pooka: “More to the point, why did he go back?”
[An aeroplane goes by.]
Jessie: “
[There is no response.]
Pooka: “…He’s not listening.”
Jessie: “What?”
[Pooka is lying in his
tent alone.]
Rosalie’s voice: “Must rape anus!”
*odd sounds*
Pooka: “I just heard that, but I’m going to pretend I
didn’t.”
Rosalie: “Is that a love-bite?”
Adam: “Yes. Next question?”
Rosalie: “Who gave you it?”
Adam: “My girlfriend. Next question?”
Rosalie: “You have a girlfriend?”
Adam: “Yes. Next question?”
Rosalie: “But I always thought you were gay!”
Adam: “You won’t believe how much I get that.”
Aidan: “Now you’re hyperactive, Rosalie, you’re on
washing-up duty. With all that extra energy, it should be easy for you.”
Rosalie: “I’m going to rape you!!”
Rosalie: “Actually, could I have that gaffer tape?”
Aidan: “What, for sex?”
Rosalie: “No, not for sex. I just want to tie myself up a
bit.”
[Hannah is putting
Rosalie into duct tape.]
Adam: “Make sure she calls you mistress.”
Hannah: “Maybe you should keep [some gaffer tape] on your wrist
as a bracelet.”
Pooka: “Yeah. Write ‘make poverty history’ on it.”
Rosalie: “It’s all fun and games until someone gets raped.”
Times Headline: HELP! I FEEL INVISIBLE
Adam: “Guys, can we have an opinion poll? Is Evan’s tongue
a healthy colour?”
[discussing the budget]
Charlie: “I don’t think we should spend it all on
alcohol… I think we should try and get some pills!”
Adam: “No I’m not, I’m sweet and innocent.”
Jessie: “You look too much like a pirate to be sweet and
innocent.”
Adam: “Yaaaaaargh, I know not
what ye be sayin’, wench.”
Adam: “I heard Pete Jones was coming to visit this camp
just for a day, which struck me as pretty hardcore.”
Lawrence: “He’s just coming to pick up as many underage people
as possible and then drive off into the sunset playing Wake Me Up Before You
Go-Go by Wham.”
[Mao. Discussing the
rules.]
Pooka: “Did somebody say penis?”
Tom: “Don’t put that there!”
Adam: “Oh,
Pooka: “I thought that was ‘as the actress said to the
bishop’…”
Evan: “As the bishop said to the netball team…”
Rosalie: “It smells like urine ‘round here.”
Edward: “Why don’t you take it with you, Rosalie?”
[pause]
Rosalie: “You’re a cunt.”
Edward: “Who’s got my bowl, motherfucker?”
Times Leader: RULES OF THE GAME
Anna: “Laurie and Hannah are having sex.”
Pooka: “They’ve been doing that all week.”
Dom: “I hear that a yawn is your lungs calling out for
more oxygen. Yawns are apparently contagious because your subconscious thinks: some
bastard’s stealing all my oxygen!”
Rosalie: [flinging herself at Charlie] “Charlie! Chaaaaaaaaarlieeeeeee!!” *glomp*
Charlie: “It’s too early for affection!”
Ed: “Too much coffee? Are you trippin',
boy? “
[Hannah gets the quotebook]
Hannah: “Someone say something funny!”
Adam: “Hannah's face.”
[Not long after]
Hannah: “Someone say something funny!
Kit: Martin's penis!”
Adam: “Kit, I think
Kit: “Into a lion!”
Ed: “I'm a defender of truth and justice, which is why I'm sitting in
the middle of a motorway.”
Amber: (something about looking for porn on ceefax)
Evan: “There is porn on ceefax. You just have
to know where to look.”
Jack M: “And it all looks like Lego people?”
Evan: “Page 632, green, green, green, green, green, red.”
Aphra: “Does anyone have any really,
really, really, really, really good painkillers?”
Tom: “I've got some weed.”
Aphra: “That'll
do.”
Ed: “That's what I like about DF camp. All the dialogue is as sharp as a
Tarantino movie. Or a really well-written graphic novel.”
Adam: “I'd make a pithy response to that, but I can't
think of one.”
Ed: “That was good enough.”
Evan: “Adam, sorry for anything I said last night about how we should
burn you to death and then burn your ghost as well.”
Aidan: “You know what's amusing? I've been watching you eat for like ten
minutes and I've only just noticed you're using a spoon the size of your head.”
Nick: “If it tastes OK, it hasn't gone bad; it's just changed into
something else. For instance… [indicates cream]
…I would currently call this ... cream cheese.“
Laurie B: “And you [Ed] were a fish!”
Rosalie: “Wait, is this a dream?”
Adam: “No, this is what you missed while you were in hospital yesterday.“
Rosalie: “I just thought it was something from the '90s.”
Rosalie: “I wish I had a penis, so I could stick it in
stuff.”
Ed: “I’ve always wanted to cover a dog in plaster of paris.”
Ruth: “We’re all silly, let’s say funny things!”
Aphra: “But we
don’t have a pen!”
Aphra: “My
blanket is such a whore!”
Ed: “I have a German-dar. It’s
like a gaydar, but for Germans.”
Charlie: “You should try it on
Ed: “It’s not the alcohol in gin that makes you happy,
it’s the quinine. And the bitterness that just twists your face into a smile.”
Adam: “Twists your face into a rictus
of…”
Ed: “Yeah, faces are always being twisted into ricti.”
Dom: “I want a t-shirt.”
Evan: “That’s not funny.”
Verity: “How much did your bones cost?”
Kit: “20p each.”
Ed: “Anyone got the time?”
Everyone: “No.”
Pepé: “Do you
think Spanish and Italians are the best lovers?”
Verity: “I don’t have any experience.”
Pepé: The Venturers don’t know. I could have sex with them in the
workshop.”
Pepé: “Ros, we ABSOLUTELY MUST have a pinball game!”
Hannah: “I’m not laughing at you, Pepé,
it’s just that you’re a foreigner. Just because I don’t want to have sex with
you doesn’t mean I don’t like you.”
Evan: “I’m looking at [Pepé’s]
crotch right now… it’s so sexy.”
[Pepé
shines an intimidating light into Annie’s eyes.]
Pepé: “Do you
want to have sex with me?”
Annie: “Erm… no thanks, but… Pepé, are you from
Pepé: “You’re
from
Martin: “Hello, Kit, you drunken bastard.”
Kit: “I’m not drunk, you are.” *falls off the floor*
Pepé: “Please,
to make things easier, all the girls from
Martin: “Amber, hug me!”
Amber: “I’ve just picked up everything in the world!”
Laurie: “Hitler was probably Anne Frank!”
Laurie: “My hand’s really hot!”
Winnie: “That’s
because it’s been in my cunt!”
Nat: “Has anyone got a razor? I need to shave my pits.”
Laurie’s Voice: (from outside tent) “You need to shave your
tits?!”
Winnie: “Does
anyone have a hairbrush?”
Laurie G: “You have thrush?”
Verity: “Someone was looking for you, I don’t know who and I
don’t know why… it might have been me.”
Pepé: “Is
anyone going to make something with my hair?”
Jack: “I do try, you know, it’s just… the sun doesn’t like
me!”
Amber: “Pepé’s got good cheesy
stuff.”
Adam: “There are few pastimes more amusing or more noble
than laughing at people who are hungover.”
Evan: “This is not a hangover. This is the end of the
world.”
Hazel: “You know, that kind of thing gives you diabetes and
high blood pressure and stuff like that.”
Aphra: “It’s
OK. I smoke.”
Evan: “I think I’ve caught diabetes…” [pause] “…from a dirty fork!”
Sophie: “I’m not in the quotes book. Have I really not said
anything fun, memorable or interesting?”
Everyone else: “No.”
Laurie: “Who’s coming to rave? You’re coming to rave!”
Ed: “You have been badly misinformed.”
Ed: “Why are we fantasising about enormous robots of justice
buggering animals?”
Mysterious Voices: (unknown) “DIE, JACK, DIE! DIE, JACK, DIE!”
[Sam’s tent having been
mysteriously moved to the centre of the circle during the night.]
Sam: “Aah, nothing’s ever a
mission from my tent now!”
Evan: “Yeah, except social acceptance!”
Ros: “I love
you!”
Evan: “I’ll crush your skull into dust and snort it like
cocaine.”
[later…]
Ros: “I love
you!”
Evan: “You should text me.”
[Talking about The Archers.]
Evan: “Jeffrey Archer isn’t in The Archers, but
he’s still a cunt.”
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